Hey Googology Wikia, Edwin Shade here.
For reasons primarily relating to the posting of the “Chasing Shade” blog post - in addition to the prior consumption of coffee and using the computer past my proper bedtime - I was unable to sleep last night, and spent my time from the late night to the early morning hours in mental turmoil, entertaining thoughts that are unspeakable as I look back on them over the divide of just a half-day.
This is how it was at least, until six-o’clock a.m., when - unable to stop the dark thoughts that were piling in my mind - I turned to prayer as a last resort. I am a bit ashamed now to say “last resort”, but my thoughts were racing so much I did not think of it sooner.
Anyways, I prayed multiple times, and when I was going through the worst bout of negative feelings - things just lifted. I believe it was God because 1.) I had been specifically praying for relief to my stress, which I had tried to alleviate on my own but couldn’t no matter what I tried, and 2.) I promised God that I would put him first in my life and put spiritual things first if he just made things easier this one night. I think it was a fair trade, and I was certainly not going to question things when I felt so much calmer!
So, from then on I mainly just layed in bed, staring into the darkness of my closed eyelids, letting thoughts drift in and out of my mind. At one point I almost fell asleep, but I never did for sure. I remember opening the window blinds at about 5:00 a.m. to look out, and watching the day turn from a velvety blue to a shade of lighter blue. At about 6:20 p.m., when it was just light enough to see, I went downstairs to get my Bible and brought it upstairs (for I felt like reading it after I had failed to do so for so long, and I had just prayed - prayer and Bible reading just go together well). After bringing it upstairs, I thought “what’s the most applicable Bible book to something like what’s going on in the Googology wiki?” - PROVERBS!
The entire book is full of, well, Proverbs, so logically I thought, “okay, I’ll begin reading from the very beginning and see if there’s any scriptures that could help me feel calmer and say the right thing when I’m on the wiki again”.
I read chapters 1 to 12, in a whisper too so I could digest it at a slower pace. Sometimes I read over the same verses twice, and amazingly, though I was by then very sleep-deprived, I understood things I never got before. For instance, I had certainly read Proverbs 1:24 - 32 before - but now, when I read how God will treat those who reject his wisdom, I realized there were things I had done wrong that God must not be happy with, and it scared me. Granted, these things were not yet involved with the wiki, but I’m getting to that part.
As I read further, I saw verses which applied to my situation here. What is my situation? Well, I was in a dispute with another user who shared personal information of myself and family members on this site - and it stressed me out, a lot. So I took these applicable verses to heart and thought about what I was doing wrong, and how, instead of berating Psi, I might move forward in the best way possible.
The first set of verses to serve this end was Proverbs 3:29, 30, which is as follows:
- [29] Do not plot harm against your neighbor
When he lives in a sense of security with you. - [30] Do not quarrel with a man for no reason
If he has done nothing bad to you.
These verses helped me realize, that if I want people to be friends here, like a true community, then it’s like we’re all neighbors, and I shouldn’t be plotting anything against anyone here. While yes, I am upset personal information concerning myself and loved ones was shared, it was publically available, and, when I put myself in Psi’s shoes, I can understand why he did it. Likely to make sure I would held rightfully accountable for anything I did in the future. He only wanted to help the community even after all that’s happened, and I must respect him for that. He has done nothing bad to me, so, Psi, or whoever made the “Chasing Shade” blog post, I apologize for my rude words to you. I should have just accepted your reasons for posting what you did, and moved on.
Now, the next set of verses which helped me were Proverbs 3:32, 34:
- [32] For Jehovah detests a devious person,
But His close friendship is with the upright. - [34] For he mocks those who ridicule,
But he shows favor to the meek.
For a long while, I have managed to justify to myself that the “internet is different from real-life, so real-life proverbs don’t apply here”, but now I realize I am wrong about that. If I am really trying to be an honest person, then why not online too? So, from now on, I will be honest about any other accounts. It never pays to lie, so I am coming clean about my other accounts as well:
File:Googology Wiki Accounts.pdf
All of linked in the above PDF file are mine. In addition, if this account becomes banned, I will make sure to publicly announce on the userpage of my next account that I am Edwin, so that I can be honest and non-deceitful. To ensure though that no-one who isn’t me claims to be me, I will also have a link to audio of me saying “I, Edwin, am [name of account]”, which can be paired to my other voice recordings to confirm it is indeed me.
Verse 34 touches upon ridicule, which in turned touched upon me that ridicule is just not okay, even on online forums which are partially-anonymous. If I am being mean or saying thing I wouldn’t say just because I’m kind of anonymous online, then that’s still no excuse to say those things! At this moment, I must apologize to everyone who I have ever ridiculed either implicitly, explicitly, directly, behind-their-back, and so forth. I do not have a literal list of all the times I have made sarcastic or ridiculing statements, but the list need not be present for me to say I’m sorry for what would be on that list, and that if you ever felt - or more accurately ever were ridiculed by me - I’m sorry. I will control myself in the future. (Note, this also includes my song-parodies like “On The Internet”, which mocked the supposed “incompetence” of wiki officials here. I am sorry Cloudy, and Vel!, and any other admins I’ve berated.)
These were just the verse I read in chapter three though! There’s still 17 more to go!
The next is found at Proverbs 4:24;
- [24] Put crooked speech away from you
And keep devious talk far away from you.
Once again, this was (and is) a firm reminder for me to completely quit telling lies - not just blatant ones, but by the wording, I’d want to “keep devious talk far away from [me]”, which implies any sort of lying, including white lies and lies of omission, which count just as much as “devious talk”.
The following batch of verses came in a row, and is quite famous actually - it’s Proverbs 6:16 - 19:
- [16] There are six things that Jehovah hates;
Yes, seven things that he detests: - [17] Haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood.
- [18] A heart plotting wicked schemes, and feet that run quickly to evil,
- [19] A false witness who lies with every breath,
And anyone sowing contentions among brothers.
You’ll notice that lying is mentioned twice - so for additional time’s sake, it impressed on me that the most serious thing I was doing here was lying. Being too prideful and mischievous was wrong of course, but lying was definitely not okay. And besides, it was the very thing I disliked the most in others when they did it, so why should I do it? Well I shouldn’t, and I won’t.
I mentioned pride briefly, but yup, I read a verse on that too! Proverbs 8:13:
- [13] The fear of Jehovah means the hating of bad.
I hate self-exaltation and pride and the evil way and perverse speech.
Now, it’s no surprise I am sure to many of you that I have a problem with pride. At best it shows itself in minor ways, like wanting to have the most edits on the entire wiki, or that time I cheated to the top of the leaderboard - but at worst it has let me believe that I have the right to say rude things to others, and this has costed lasting harm with the relationships of members here. The very incident that caused me to receive my original block in the first place was due to pride! I said some very hurtful things to Nathan, and then essentially said “well I’m glad I’m not like that!”. Again, I am sorry Nathan for those words and abuse of your trust in me at that time, as a member of the community who was not yet embroiled in the stew of trouble I now have found myself in. You deserved so much better, and I wish you could have stayed on the wiki during that time, and that I would have been blocked just the same, but that I wouldn’t have hurt you like that. I’m sorry, and sorry to all others I’ve assaulted with ‘perverse speech’.
Moving along, the next verses I found helpful were in Proverbs 10:9,12 and 18:
- [9] The one walking in integrity will walk in security,
But the one making his ways crooked will be found out. - [12] Hatred is what stirs up contentions,
But love covers over all transgressions - [18] The one who conceals his hatred speaks lies,
And the one spreading malicious reports is stupid.
Verse 9 is fairly straightforward, basically, if you’re honest you have nothing to worry about. So I thought long and hard about why the release of the blog post “Chasing Shade” disturbed me so much. Was it really so much the lack of privacy, or was it because I felt guilty for the lies I had told and sins I had committed? It was a lot of the former, but also a bit of the latter. I realize that inasmuch as my real-life reputation is concerned, and my “online-reputation”, there’s no longer any real difference - it’s both still me - so I should live in a way where I am being honest in both of them, including online. I thought about how things might turn up if I conceal my sockpuppetry instead of just coming straight-out with it, and figured “you know what? I don’t want to hide who I am, that’s dishonest, I’ll just be myself. People can either like it or dislike it, but I don’t be dishonest anymore.”
Verse 12 was a good verse to keep in mind when reflecting on anything that I ever felt was unfair here - I can’t be a productive member and keep bringing that up according to this scripture! So I knew then, and now, and hopefully for the future, that I should just let things go. People will always have their opinions, but what they think I can not control, and ultimately by being nice even to those I feel have slighted me, it shows that I’m using love to cover over the transgression. So all is well!
Lastly, verse 18 deals once more with hiding dishonesty. The wording I didn’t understand at first though: “The one who conceals his hatred speaks lies,” - like what does that mean? Well, it seems to be that this means it’s still wrong to lie about liking someone if you don’t - but since I can’t imagine the Bible would be telling people to tell each other off - I think what this means is that it’s better not to have that hatred in the first place so that you don’t have to fake being nice. So, after some more prayer I have made sure to let go of any and all hatred towards some other users here, so that if I ever talk with them again I won’t have to fake being nice, I can just be nice for real. So in other words, if me and Psi get into a conversation here or elsewhere, I promise my words will be kind and not mean like they were before. I don’t know if you’ll read this Psi, but I am sorry about disrespecting you. I should show respect for you because you are my senior, and a teacher yourself, if I am correct.
So I finished up chapter 10, and I was on to chapter 11, where I read the verses found in Proverbs 11:2, 12:
- [2] When presumptuousness comes, dishonor will follow,
But wisdom is with the modest ones. - [12] Whoever is lacking good sense shows contempt for his neighbor,
But the man of true discernment remains silent
These are verses I also wish I kept in mind when speaking with Psi, and others, because my language when left unchecked can be very presumptuousness, as part of my prideful tendencies. I recognize this though and therefore have been working on it. I recognize everyone as equals here, in the sense that everyone deserves the same respect and level of love and tolerance. Of course, since this is googology there is somewhat of a stark dichotomy between beginners and college-aged set theorists, but even then I don’t feel anyone’s truly above anyone else in the most basic sense of the word, because there are still things that an amatuer will be able to teach a professional, perhaps in a different discipline, but still things to teach nonetheless.
Now, for verse 12, I feel this was the way I should have gone when speaking with Psi yesterday. I should have just accepted things and moved on silently, but I ridiculed Psi which was immature and unfounded.
Now, for a set of verses that when I read it I was like “woah! well I know King Solomon didn’t have internet trolling in mind, but this goes right against that!” Check out Proverbs 12:15 - 17, 19, 20, and 22:
- [15] The way of the fool is right in his own eyes,
But the wise one accepts advice. - [16] A fool immediately shows his annoyance,
But the shrewd man overlooks an insult. - [17] The one who testifies faithfully will tell the truth,
But a false witness speaks deceit. - [19] Truthful lips will endure forever,
But a lying tongue will last for only a moment. - [20] Deceit is in the heart of those who plot mischief,
But those who promote peace have joy. - [22] Lying lips are detestable to Jehovah,
But those acting faithfully bring pleasure to him.
Verse 15 addresses presumptuousness once again, and this time shows that if you’re wise you’ll accept advice - if I’m wise, I should accept advice, is how I read it. So from now on I’ll be more open to other people’s ideas and stop with the whole “freedom-fighter mentality” like it’s me against the wiki, because that’s not how it should be.
I will be very open about sock-puppets from now on. If they are banned I do not find anything objectionable to creating yet another account, provided I make crystal-clear that they’re mine, so as not to be deceptive. In addition, there’ll be no more accounts which are just meant to goof off, like the Gamzee Impersonation one. These are not inherently bad, but given my past of insincerity I think it’s a definite no-no to have such an account. Any accounts will be serious minded, like the one I’m using right now. In addition, these accounts will make clearly than ever they’re working for the wiki and never against it or antagonistically. It makes more sense if I wish to regard this place as one coherent community - including myself.
Verse 16 is something I should keep in mind. Online, where there is no immediate danger to cocking back with a diss when someone insults you, it can be tempting to come up with some good zingers! But as tempting as it can be I will not do this either. I’d rather not be someone who’s known as constantly “in a mood”, but more of a friendly helper who doesn’t know a lot about functions, but is at least willing to help in the areas he can.
Verse 17 is straightforward, again, it encourages truth-telling, a prominent theme you’ll note in this blog post. Verse 19 has the same sort of message.
Verse 20 made me realize something new - that mischief can’t bring true joy! Sure, it may bring physical laughter to troll, but trickster laughter is of a different sort than sincere laughter, which is deeper and long-lasting because you aren’t worried about being kicked off the wiki on account of trolling or anything.
Verse 22 once more reiterates this message that lying is wrong, and ends the significant verses I decided to write down that I read in Proverbs.
Well, that’s all, but you’re probably wondering at this point “uh... why did he just write an entire blog post with Bible verses and apologies?” - “why not just move on with this and continue to do your pronunciations or whatever?”
Those are good questions, and the answer is because I felt I owed an apology to Psi, and anyone else whom I’ve offended. I hope maybe you (the one reading this) and others can understand me better after I’ve explained how and why I reacted to different things I read, and that this can be as just an important part of my apology as the actual “I’m sorry for...” part. What I mean is, I just felt this needed to be said, and I’m sorry if some parts were incomprehensible or oddly written. Keep in mind I haven’t slept for what must be past 30-hours now after a night of racing thoughts and hyperactiveness, so yeah I may not phrase things the neatest, but I hope this is readable.
Okay, that’s really all!
(P.S. I’ll try to make my next blog post about googology.)