User blog comment:Hybrid Hippocampus/What I Learned Last Night/@comment-38782719-20190320213349/@comment-34876209-20190323002049

@Watchfall:

I remember in 6th grade, having just moved to where I live now, and being in the playground at recess. It was a fairly bright day out, and the many children were milling about the playground. A few of them I sat with at lunch and so I decided to go up to them, because I wished to play they game there were (some form of ball I believe). Every time I tried to get closer they deliberately moved away, and one of them said "just go away".

This is petty and insignificant compared to the many other happy memories I could conjure forth, no doubt, but like the proverbial apple that spoils the bunch it has only been a few of these negative experiences that have taught me that when others tell me to go away, I should do it. That when someone who intimidates me because of their age or experience tells me I'm not wanted somewhere, I should cave into their commands.

But - can I afford to live life this way anymore?

If I remember correctly, a user here, KobLev, said you are coolest being yourself. So I'm going to be myself. Every time Nathan, or Cloudy bans a productive account (of course not the troll ones, I mean good ones like this), they are the kids who wouldn't let me play with them, and the same people who have disregarded my feelings online, and have insulted me and what I believe in, in ways far worse than any perceived slights here. Actually, I really don't have a problem with people here, and I'm keeping to what I said about treating others with respect, so I'm not viewing anyone wrongly - but the way this makes me feel, is the same as those times when genuinely bad people were against me.

So yes, I will continue to blatantly break the rules on sock-puppetry, because to do otherwise would prove I am worthless. After all, if I can't stand up to a few people online, then how can I ever call myself a "man" and be afraid to speak my opinion in person?

I will break this one rule, and only God will judge me for it.

@Dchew89:

Yeah, and good points. I admit it may be a while before people really accept me back instead of wantonly blocking me because it's the easy thing to do, but it will also be a while until I make up my edit deficit gained when my main account was banned putting me in a -16,340 edit deficit.

Since then other accounts have been banned which has increased the deficit to ~-20,500 last time I checked (it's a pain tallying up all the edits from every account so I'm probably not going to do that for a while), and unfortunately with the banning of my Hybrid Hippocampus account, I'm deeper in the hole with another 250 edit deficit.

However, I am confident my deep sense of order will prevail in the end, and I will be able to break even, some day in the distant future.

I kind of wish I could speak privately to Vel! about this whole thing. He's the guy who started this place! I'm sure he'd be willing to talk, to improve things and give his opinion about what should be done.

I really want to talk with him too, because he said I reminded him of himself at one point, and I know when someone says that it means we can be good friends! So I'd really like to talk with Vel! - if someone knows his contact information you can DM on Discord, I am Edwin_Shade#0952