User:Edwin Shade/Sandbox III

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In this blog post I'd like to take the time to explain the motivation behind some of my actions within the past few weeks, and ask for help in rectifying my ways.

I'm not sure how to begin, so I'll just say it up front:

I'm not as good of a person as I want others on this site to believe I am. I spend hours a day on this site perfecting my image and editing both because I want others to think good of me, and also because I'm procrastinating on a school assignment that I'm worried I'll fail in.

When I said I was sick of my life and hated myself in my blog post An Apology I meant it. I did not mean however that I was going to kill myself or cut again or anything crazy, so please no one think that. I do admit however I hate myself the way I am, and that's why I need to change. The reasons are as follows:

I was once friends with someone who I thought liked me for common interests, but it turns out he just had a crush on me and didn't tell me. (I'm a perfectly straight guy, so when this happened I was pretty angry - like dreaming of killing someone sort of violent.) I know just because someone gay hits on you it doesn't mean you're not masculine, but since then I've felt I must be lacking in some way to be hit on by a guy and not once directly hit on by a girl, (yeah, I know getting the attention of girls isn't the most important thing in life, but I'm still upset). Later on I met some individuals online who had major depression and I made the mistake of thinking I could help them become normal people. I didn't acknowledge at the time there were some problems it takes professionals to cure, and so I tried to become the "professional". I was slowly killing myself trying to help others from doing the same and sank into the depths of depression. I'm better now, but I still hate the fact I'm so willing to help others when it got me into all that trouble in the first place, and I hate how despite all my frustration I can never do any lasting amount of good in the life of anyone I want to help. I tried to help someone I really cared for but it hurt me too much to see a picture they posted of their lacerated arm, (a result of self-inflicted wounds), so I left them. I hope she understands why I did what I did, and that I didn't mean harm in the end.

I feel like my life is an ordinal collapsing function which is stuck at a fixed point. I feel that despite all my frustration and desire to improve I'm never going to be the person I want to be. I'm too disrespectful to my Mother and I get irritated too easily to be considered an easy-going person, but I want badly to be an easy-going person. I've also given up fighting a habit of mine that's wrong, and so I feel like more of a failure because of it. I want to be a better person but I don't see myself ever developing the sort of ease that other kids my age have, and I don't see myself being anything more than just "the math-guy". In case it wasn't clear, I don't wan't to be seen as "the math-guy" because the math-guy is uncool. The truth is though, I don't really converse well with kids my own age because I just don't know what to say. I don't know the rules of soccer, football, or most other sports for that matter, and I haven't much to say in regards to pop culture. I want to change this though, to become cooler. I need help in blending in. How do I become the kind of person others gravitate towards naturally, and not just known for being math-smart ? ('Cause frankly I know my way of speaking, (phrasing, that is), is not normal and belies an atypical style that must be destroyed if I am to fit in.)

Lastly, I apologize to ArtismScrub for leaving a rude message on his blog post, (which I soon after deleted the contents of), and to anyone else that I've taken rude actions against. I'm sorry, if you want me to prove I'm sorry I'll analyze a notation of yours as compensation.

Edit January 23, 2018:

After reading everyone's comments I feel better knowing there's others who care, and I'm very grateful to all who told me that the best course of action is just to be myself. When writing this post I lost sight of that, and I felt desperate to change the fact that I haven't many friends. I know that what matters is that I have a few close friends rather than dozens of shallow ones, but when I wrote this post I wasn't thinking clearly.

I'll be taking a break from writing blog posts and wiki activity for a time while I work out some matters in my life. I do not want to make the writing of these sorts of blog posts a recurring trend, but rather I want to get back to googological matters purely. Thank you again for your support in your responses though, even though I barely know any of you it really meant a lot to me. :)

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